Manifestations of Grief

An anonymous document handed out by grief counselors is titled "But You're Absolutely Normal." It lists manifestations of grief that catch people by surprise and may make them think they're losing their grip.

If you have:

• been angry with doctors or nurses for not doing enough
  
  
• been angry with yourself for not taking more heroic steps
  
  
• been sleeping too much or not enough
  
  
• noticed a change in appetite
  
  
• felt that no one understands what you're going through
  
  
• felt that friends should call more or call less, or leave you alone, or invite you along more often
  
  
• bought things you didn't need
  
  
• considered selling everything and moving
  
  
• have headaches, an upset stomach, weakness, lethargy, more aches and pains
  
  
• been unbearably lonely or depressed
  
  
• been crabby
  
  
• cried for no apparent reason
  
  
• found yourself obsessed with thoughts of the deceased
  
  
• been forgetful, confused, uncharacteristically absent-minded
  
  
• panicked over little things
  
  
• felt guilty about things you have or haven't done
  
  
• gone to the store every day
  
  
• forgotten why you went somewhere
  
  
• called friends and talked for a long time
  
  
• called friends and wanted to hang up after only a brief conversation
  
  
• not wanted to attend social functions you usually enjoy
  
  
• been angry for being left alone
  
  
• found yourself unable to concentrate on written material
  
  
• been unable to remember what you just read
  
  

These are all common conditions of grief, and they may take up to two years to pass completely, but they will pass.

Healing Activities for the Bereaved - Loss of a Child

Pamper Yourself...
This is a special day in your life and always will be. You are a parent forever and your child is your child forever. Rest and be kind to yourself.

Do what you need to do...
What helps you. Grieve your way.

Surround yourself with those loving people...
The ones who make you feel comfortable, make no demands or give advice, and do not try "to fix" your grief.

Plan ahead...
Do things that make you feel good or give you a moment's peace. Build structure - support - into these days. It's being caught off-guard that does you in.

Let God in...
Let God hold your heart in His hands on these days. And don't be afraid to tell HIm how you feel. If you can take losing your child, He can take your anger at Him.

Start new rituals...
To make new memories. Remember to honor and hold your love in special ways on these days. Take a special quality of your loved one and make it part of you.

Make decisions together...
Share your thoughts with family members; decide together what the day should include. (If you are alone, find a good friend.)

Include your child in the day...
Through prayer, lighting a candle, telling stories about them, looking through pictures, planting flower/garden, doing a good deed, writing about them, making their favorite recipe.

Join with another bereaved family...
To honor this day and have mutual support. Be with people who understand your pain.

Start a garden...
Or add to a special garden in memory of your child. Plant the flowers or shrubs with special names: bleeding hearts, butterfly bush, forget-me-nots.

Plant spring flowers...
Use this day to plant spring flowers so you will always see your child in each bloom, and each bouquet that you cut.

Visit the cemetery...
If that helps your heart on this day. Make that a part of your day for your dead child and then set aside time to be with your remaining child/children.

Plant a special flower or shrub...
That will come to bloom this time of year - making a special appearance for Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Perform an act of kindness...
Do something special for someone else or something special in your child's name (helping Cancer Care, MADD, Scouting, Nursing Home). Give out little cards saying this was done "in memory of...."

Listen to music...
That makes your heart feel good, or favorites of your child. Learn to play an instrument or write your own songs.

Cook some favorite recipes...
That your child enjoyed or cooked for you.

Buy a present for yourself...
From your child and enjoy the comfort it brings you - whether it's a bouquet, perfume, earrings, or a sweatshirt. Feel its symbolism.

Write a poem or article...
In memory of your child, sharing memories or what has helped you.

Attend a family gathering or relatives...
If their love and support can give you a lift on this day. Don't go if it is too stressful.

Make a booklet of favorite poems...
That help your heart and give copies to dear relatives and friends, in memory of your child.

Take part in a special church ceremony...
honoring Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Pray to your child...
or to your higher power - talking is the best medicine and prayer is simply talking. You might even write a special prayer.

Set aside some special time to grieve...
unloading all the frustration and sadness that can envelop you on such a day. Allow time to meditate alone. Fill that empty spot with positive thoughts.

Cry...
Allow yourself time to cry; let the tears flow. Feel the healing as you release these emotions. It's a day when you want your child here. Let the feelings surface instead of stuffing them down inside to erupt later. There is no need to apologize for crying. It is a natural response to your loss.